


Will not fail again

by APlagueOnBothYourHouses



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x09, Almost everyone is mentioned, I'm here to project onto fictional characters and that means that unfortunately Alec hates himself, Magnus and Izzy the most but even Jace and Clary, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, brief thoughts of self harm, drabble ish, it doesn't make you a coward to struggle with suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10026515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APlagueOnBothYourHouses/pseuds/APlagueOnBothYourHouses
Summary: Alec didn’t want to exist, but he didn’t want to die either and that was the problem.He was stuck.He couldn’t die.Killing himself would solidify that he was a coward.Dying was admitting defeat.And he’d been defeated enough in the past few weeks to last more than one lifetime.He had to keep going. He had to fix what he’d destroyed.In his pocket his phone buzzed, and had he looked at the text he would have seen that he wasn’t alone. As worried as he was about the future of his family and every downworlder he knew, one particular downworlder was extremely worried about him. He didn’t have time to worry about what his blatant disregard for himself meant.He was fine.He would not fail again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a bit disjointed and sad and very very unbeta'd.  
> If you're easily triggered by self loathing I'd say this isn't the story for you, while never attempted, suicide is thought about quite a bit.

Not incredibly long after his one sided fight with Raphael, Izzy telling him she didn’t need him to protect her and taking over the institute, Alec found a quiet moment to himself. A moment to think. He hesitantly checked his phone, silently hoping for a text from  _ anyone _ to tell him that things weren’t as hopeless as he felt they were.  He didn’t know how anyone was feeling after his… Outburst, but he knew  _ he  _ was disgusted with himself. He’d ruined everything  _ again _ and Izzy- by the Angel, she must hate him so much. He’d been so caught up in his own guilt that he hadn’t noticed his baby sister struggling with an addiction to Yin-Fen, he hadn’t noticed Aldertree’s involvement in her suffering either. She had been completely right, he  _ hadn’t  _ been there for her. He’d known he was a pathetic excuse for an older brother since their fight over Meliorn’s life, which had revealed how horrible he was at protecting her but he figured she knew it now too. He was supposed to be a shield for his siblings but Max was in Idris with his parents who weren’t even  _ together  _ anymore, he hadn’t noticed Izzy’s pain and Jace- he was trying to keep Clary for succumbing to a blood oath- a blood oath Alec should have protected her from. How could anyone stand to look at him? He could barely look at himself. He vaguely remembered his earlier conversation with Magnus-

_ “Just promise me you'll tell me if things get that bad.” _

He couldn’t. At first, Alec tried to convince himself that it was due to Clary and Jace interrupting his and Magnus’ conversation but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he hadn’t promised because he _couldn’t_. He couldn’t make a promise he wouldn’t be able to keep- Magnus didn’t deserve that, to be lied to. God Magnus deserved someone who could actually express how they felt with _words_ , not fists. He deserved someone more experienced, not some useless twenty something who couldn’t protect anyone. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way Shadowhunters treated him, like he owed them something. He didn’t, if anything the institute owed him everyone’s lives ten times over. He didn’t deserve to be blamed for Isabelle’s- or anyone’s- mistakes; mistakes Alec hadn’t remedied. God, _he_ probably hated Alec too. That thought sent a jolt down Alec’s spine and left him feeling cold, hollow. The very idea of Magnus hating him was enough to make the young shadowhunter want to curl up in his bed and wait for the end.

Alec sighed deeply, shoving his phone back in his pocket, he suddenly didn’t want anyone to contact him. He didn’t have time to wallow. The last time he’d focused on how  _ he  _ felt, he’d worried everyone and then he’d lost Izzy and Magnus. He couldn’t lose anyone else. He had to be strong, he had to help find Clary, he had to protect Jace, keep the institute out of Aldertree’s hands, stop Valentine, and he  _ couldn’t  _ do a damned thing if he was thinking about  _ himself _ .

He didn’t matter in the threat of a potential genocide against an entire species.

He couldn’t-

He couldn’t breathe. The weight of what he had to do crushed the air from his lungs.

Everything was too much, it was all ruined and the world might literally end for millions but he’d already lost everything that made his world real- how could he be sure he hadn’t actually killed himself and was stuck in hell? That’d be his luck, “saved” by his (ex?) boyfriend only to learn he was really dead and his punishment was that everyone realized how useless he was. It was perfect, it was what he deserved.

He didn’t  _ want  _ to be dead.

But, with a sinking feeling, he realized that he deserved to be.

Jocelyn didn’t  _ deserve  _ to be dead, the  _ entire  _ downworld didn’t deserve it, Clary and Jace and Izzy and all the pretentious shadowhunters at the institute didn’t deserve it, but he did.

He was supposed to be strong, emotionless. He was supposed to keep mundanes out of shadowhunter business. He was supposed to defend the uneasy balance between the shadowhunters and the downworld. But he couldn’t. All he could do was  _ fail.  _ If he’d just gone along with his marriage to Lydia everything would be fine, Alec deftly ignored the voice in his head that said he’d definitely be dead if he’d married her.  _ Everything would have been okay.  _ Maybe his parents wouldn’t have broken up, Aldertree wouldn’t have had control of the institute- Izzy wouldn’t have had to suffer alone if at all. Magnus could have moved on from someone who didn’t deserve him in the first place, he could have avoided the absolute  _ mess _ that was Alexander Lightwood.

Everything would have been better.

He convinced himself that they could have stopped Valentine with the help of the Downworld sooner, that everything would have ended okay. For everyone. Even him. He remembered the conversation he’d had with his mother after the disaster that was his wedding: 

“ Calling off the wedding would've been one thing... but kissing that warlock-”

“Saved my life.”

He’d said that, but maybe it wasn’t true. Being uncomfortable, hell, being dead was better than being so completely alone. He’d only prolonged his inevitable miserable ending. He’d only made everyone else’s existences harder.

The problem was that he’d let himself become distracted, he’d let his emotions cloud his judgement- he felt something real for Magnus Bane- but he hadn’t stayed true to his duty,  _ everyone  _ was suffering for that and he had two options, he could either continue to screw everything up, or he could compartmentalize everything he felt and fix his fuck-ups. He should have never let what he wanted dictate his actions. His parents were right, he was a disgrace. He  _ had _ dishonored the Lightwood name, and as the eldest he had to fix it. So he had to live, no matter how much he wanted everything to stop.

Alec didn’t want to exist, but he didn’t want to die either and that was the problem.

He was stuck.

He couldn’t die.

Killing himself would solidify that he was a coward.

Dying was admitting defeat.

And he’d been defeated enough in the past few weeks to last more than one lifetime.

He had to keep going. He had to fix what he’d destroyed.

In his pocket his phone buzzed, and had he looked at the text he would have seen that he  _ wasn’t  _ alone. As worried as he was about the future of his family and every downworlder he knew, one particular downworlder was extremely worried about him. He didn’t have time to worry about what his blatant disregard for himself meant.

He was fine.

He would not fail again.


End file.
